Confession Time...

For the past few months I’ve been studying the book of 1 Peter. Writing to the dispersed, persecuted church, Peter talks about the correct perspective in the midst of trials. I’ve often struggled with idolizing comfort along with the rest of the society I live in, so the concepts of suffering and submission have been a challenge for me to grasp. God gave me an opportunity to apply what I’ve been learning this winter break.

I came to the Impact Movement National Conference in Atlanta, GA on December 26th thinking I was going to help with seminars, fellowship with Christians from across the nation, go to life-changing seminars and sessions, see friends I haven’t seen in months and years, and fellowship with some of my greatest influences in the faith. Although I was able to speak in the seminars to which I was assigned (“Campus Agent Report for Church Duty” and “Mission: Launch Summer ‘09”), I found myself in my hotel room for the majority of my time. The cold that started on Christmas day progressed into a dry cough that gave me a constant headache and an aching, tired body. After seven days of pain, I finally went to the emergency room at 11:50pm on New Year’s Eve with my best friend (now that’s a real friend) and her parents.

From the onset of the sickness I was praying, “God, help me to keep the right perspective. My joy is in You, but please heal my body.” Well, there was no healing until I left Atlanta. I wasn’t able to talk with many of my friends that I knew I probably wouldn’t see after the conference. Most of the people I did get to hang out with saw a very unenergetic, unemotional version of me. My mind was busy, but my body wouldn’t let me move…or speak…or act.

The Lord used my time of sickness to build my character and show me His. I had been very busy this holiday season and began to view my time with the Lord as a duty I had to fulfill before moving on to the next one. One of the first things God showed me was that my time with Him this season lacked true intimacy and I need to be more vulnerable with Him. I was also challenged to consider if my expectation for God to move in the context of seminars, sessions, and concerts had become idolatry of an event in my heart. The answer to this was pretty evident because when the event was taken away from me, I struggled with a complaining heart.

My thoughts went from, “Praise God that He’s sovereign. He knows exactly what’s going on and isn’t worried about what happens next,” to, “Why me? Why this type of suffering? What am I going to do about this? What did I do wrong?” I went from remembering to Romans 8:1—that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ—to struggling with thoughts that He was punishing me. I felt my thoughts go from claiming Romans 8:28 to thinking that maybe He forgot about me for a little while. When I felt extremely sick in bed I thought, “I can’t wait for that day when no sickness or sin will hold me back from knowing and enjoying God forever! And praise God I won’t suffer for eternity!” But after a couple more days I began thinking, “Oh, great. It’s just rain on Quina day. Everything is going wrong, right and left.” My prayer was shifting from, “I believe You can and pray You will heal me, but if You choose not to in my timing, please just give me a heart to trust You,” to, “Just heal me! It’s impossible to worship You in the midst of physical affliction. And I need to get back to this conference. I’m missing out on my blessing!”

Thankfully, God always provides a way out of temptations, even those in the mind (1Corinthians 10:13). As I sat in my bed alone one of the nights during conference, the Lord convicted me deeply about how double-minded I had been since I got sick. As I was confessing my sins to Him, the story of Job came to mind. I spent the next few nights reading the beginning of his story again. God allows Satan to wreak havoc in Job’s life. Job loses his property, servants, and children all on the same day. I can’t even imagine the kind of pain he went through. His very first response when finding out about his loss was to tare his robe, shave his head, fall to the ground, and worship. That was his first response. No one had to probe him, and he didn’t make his complaint or petition first. He worshiped God.

He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21). Job humbly recognized the fact that nothing he possessed was his in the first place, and he didn’t inherently deserve anything from God. Then Job honored God’s sovereignty in recognizing His right to both give and take away. Job then calls God “Blessed,” expressing the unmovable fact that He is inherently worthy of worship no matter the circumstance. Peter starts out his letter in 1Peter saying, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ…” (1Peter 1:3) to the church who was experiencing extreme trials and persecution. The correct response to suffering became pretty clear to me.

As I meditated on these words, God helped me to understand once again that He is sovereign. He does what He pleases and rules over everything without need of my counsel. The realization of His sovereignty is both comforting and humbling. It is comforting in the midst of my pain because I know that He is still in control of my life and can use my weaknesses to display His strength. It is humbling because my human nature wants to have control and not rely on God.

I am thankful that God used my time of sickness to speak to my heart in the way that He did. My plans for conference were much different than what turned out for me, but I’m just glad to know that my pain had purpose in the hands of the sovereign God. - Quina P.